How to Talk to Your Significant Other About Loving You in Your Primary Love Language and Other Wisdom from Dr. Gary Chapman, Author of “The 5 Love Languages”
On February 28, 2024, Dr. Gary Chapman spoke at Mt. Bethel Church on the topic of “Building Better Relationships: Understanding the 5 Love Languages.” You can read a summary of his talk here.
At the end of the event, attendees were encouraged to submit questions through a survey. Dr. Chapman graciously agreed to a follow-up interview with our team where he answered many of the questions submitted. Below are some of the questions submitted and Dr. Chapman’s answers.
Q: Would you say that asking someone to speak your love language is asking them to change who they are?
Dr. Chapman: I don’t think it’s changing who they are, but it may well be changing their attitude and their behavior. They’re still the person they are. They still have their personality, but you are asking them to start doing something they aren’t currently doing.
Now, if you just bring it up randomly and say ‘I don’t think you love me right, here’s the right way to do it’– that’s a self-centered approach on your part. That’s almost guaranteed for them to reject the request. But if you two have been talking about improving your relationship and you suggest examining each other’s love languages, but they respond by telling you ‘stop trying to change me!’, then maybe that’s a sign they’re selfish.
Q: So how do you recommend a couple having a conversation about expressions of love? Let’s say only one person has heard your talk or read the book. How can they convince their partner to start loving them in their primary language?
Dr. Chapman: If only one person has read the book or only one person has attended the conference, I think the way to approach it is not by first asking them to speak your love language. Instead, I think the one who has read the book or been to the conference should suggest to their significant other that they read the book together. Or at the very least, tell them what you found fascinating about the book or the conference and suggest you both take the quiz. That way you’re coming from the position of expressing a desire to love them better. Once they see you’re wanting to do this because it will in some way enrich their life, they’re more likely to get on board with it.
Q: Does it always take two to, as you said in your talk and in your book, “fill the tank?” Or can a relationship improve if just one person knows about and is practicing the love language concept?
Dr. Chapman: You’re probably going to see more obvious results if both people in the relationship know about and are practicing the concept of loving each other in each other’s primary languages. But keep in mind that love stimulates love. When you love someone well, they’ll naturally want to express love back to you.
And again, you can apply this concept to any relationship, not just a marital one. You’re probably not going to have a conversation with that coworker who gets on your nerves about ways you can both love each other better, but if you change your attitude towards them and look for ways to intentionally express love to them in their primary language, you will see some improvement.
Check out parts one, two and three of this blog series to learn more from Dr. Chapman. And stay tuned for future blog posts featuring more questions and answers!