Discipline with Love
How Knowing Your Child’s Love Language Can Inform Your Discipline Process
One of the hardest parts of parenting is the discipline of your kids. But as Hebrews 12:7 tells us, disciplining our earthly children is part of following God’s example as our Heavenly Father. If we love our children, we will discipline them. (page 10, “God’s Design: The Family Code”)
If we love our children, we will discipline them.
Your job as you child’s spiritual leader requires discipline because your child–like you–is a sinner. You discipline them to help them move away from sin and towards Christ. As they grow into who God has planned for them to be, your discipline will help them establish healthy boundaries in their relationships with God, themselves, and with others.
If discipline is part of loving your child, how can you discipline your child in effective ways that don’t turn them away from you or the Lord?
Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The 5 Love Languages,” recently gave insight into this topic during episode 9 of “TalkItUp,” Mt. Bethel’s podcast for parents.
“Understanding the love language concept can help you effectively communicate unconditional love to your children,” explained Dr. Chapman, especially during difficult circumstances.
Using Your Child’s Love Language in the Discipline Process
Specifically, regarding discipline, guest host Wendy Lake asked Dr. Chapman to explain how knowing your child’s love language can inform the discipline process.
“If you use the opposite of a child’s primary love language in the discipline process, it is the most severe punishment you can give and probably never should be done,” answered Dr. Chapman.
He even went as far as describing yelling and screaming at a child whose language of love is words of affirmation as “a dagger in the heart.”
“If their love language is physical touch, and your main method of discipline is spanking, that’s severe,” he warned.
Children whose love language is quality time probably won’t respond well to being sent to their room. If your child’s primary love language is receiving gifts but you punish them by taking away something you promised to give them, that sends the message that your love is conditional on their behavior.
“At the same time,” Chapman continued, “you can wrap discipline in your child’s love language.”
For example, if your son’s love language is words of affirmation, and he breaks the rule of “don’t throw the ball in the house,” you can use affirming words as you explain what the consequence of his action is. “Son, you’re normally so good at keeping the rules, which is why it’s so disappointing you’ve broken this one.”
If your daughter’s primary love language is physical touch, try placing a hand on her shoulder as you explain to her why her action was wrong. This will reassure her that even though you’re disappointed, you still love her.
You can also use their love language as you inform them of the rules. For example, when you want your child whose primary love language is receiving gifts to clean their room, avoid bribing them. The minute you do, you’re telling them your love must be bought.
“We never want to use a child’s love language to manipulate them,” explained Dr. Chapman. “Love is freely given…that’s why it begins with an attitude.” When you remember that love as a parent is about enriching your child’s life, it gives you a whole new perspective.
You can learn more from Dr. Chapman on how the 5 Love Languages can help you effectively communicate love to your child as you parent them in the episode below.