How to Discover Your Child’s Love Language and More Widsom from Dr. Gary Chapman, Author of “The 5 Love Languages”
On February 28, 2024, Dr. Gary Chapman spoke at Mt. Bethel Church on the topic of “Building Better Relationships: Understanding the 5 Love Languages.” You can read a summary of his talk here.
At the end of the event, attendees were encouraged to submit questions through a survey. Dr. Chapman graciously agreed to a follow-up interview with our team where he answered many of the questions submitted. Below are some of the questions submitted and Dr. Chapman’s answers.
Q: Would you say love languages are a product of nurture or nature?
Dr. Chapman: I’m often asked that question, and I really don’t know. I do know that the primary love language of a child is observable at least by the time they’re four years old, so it’s there pretty early. And the reason I say observable is that if you just observe how that child responds to you and other people, you’ll see one or two of the love languages expressed by the child more than the others. My son’s language, for example, was physical touch and when he was that age, I would come home from work, he’d run to the door, grab my legs and climb on me. He was touching me because he wanted to be touched. Our daughter never did that. At that age, our daughter would say, ‘daddy come into my room, I want to show you something.’ She wanted quality time. It’s there very early. It’s like a lot of other personality traits of children. They’re there pretty early. You know, some children are very organized–you look at their toys, they’re all in a row–and others are not. So, I don’t know if it’s nurture or nature, or perhaps both, but it does develop early.
Q: Can someone have a different primary language that they hear versus one that they speak?
Dr. Chapman: Yes, for about 75% of people the love language they most naturally speak is the language they want to receive. But for about 25%, the one they speak most naturally is not what they want to receive. And my explanation for that is–and I don’t know if this is totally true–but my guess is that they speak that one most naturally because they were taught to speak that language by their parents. Because the love languages their parents primarily speak is the way they were taught to love people.
Q: Can a child’s love language cause unexplainable tantrums?
Dr. Chapman: I’m not sure that any particular love language would cause that. I do think, and this is totally different from love language, that tantrums typically continue in a child’s life if they work. If a child sees that when they pitch a tantrum and they get what they want, they’re going to continue to pitch tantrums. So, the key for parents is to not let tantrums work. Don’t give in when they’re screaming and crying. Even if they scream for 30 minutes, eventually they’ll either tire themselves out or stop. Either way, they’ll get the memo: tantrums won’t get them what they want.
I do think expressing love to a child in their primary love language might help avoid or cut down on tantrums, since love is a natural human need. Again, their primary love language is typically observable by the time they are four years old. But until then, intentionally express all five love languages to them. Eventually, you’ll see them respond overwhelmingly better to one over the others.
Stay tuned for future posts in this series with more answers from Dr. Gary Chapman!